We had a two-hour Bachelorette last night, and now we have another two-hour episode tonight.
If I’m coherent at the end of this recap, it will be a miracle.
Pour yourselves a drink, people. I’ve got just enough rum to see me through the night.
Last night everyone went to Norway. Well not everyone. The cast of The Bachelorette.
Peter and Rachel may have had sex in a hot tub. Lee and Kenny went on a two-on-one date with Rachel where Lee continued his line of racist bullshit, telling Rachel that Kenny had been violent with him – a total lie.
We learned that an African Ringneck Parakeet named Mr. Tweeters lives in Lee’s hair.
It’s a lot to process and tonight promises to be intense. Or ridiculous.
Take a shot. It’s showtime!
We’re back to the two-on-one date in the Norwegian wilderness. Lee is spouting lies that make Kenny out to be an angry Black man. Rachel is processing the information she’s getting – Lee telling her that Kenny is violent and Kenny telling her that Lee is straight up lying.
Rachel tells both men that the day was “informative” and that the situation comes down to who she believes and trusts. She tells Lee she doesn’t trust him and she sends him home.
Mr. Tweeters lets out a sad chirp.
Rachel tells Kenny that she needs to spend more time with him before she decides whether or not to give him a rose.
Lee responds by saying, “That’s okay, sweetheart, but I just want you to know that when he came back over here he threatened me.”
It’s like Lee literally cannot speak without lying. Also his “sweetheart” remark was super condescending and gross, and honestly, this is a man who desperately needs to be pushed into the river he’s sitting next to.
I hope it’s cold.
Rachel and Kenny walk toward the helicopter. I like to think that Lee was left alone in the wilderness to die, but I doubt that happened. Your cowboy boots and hair gel won’t help you now, dude. Are there things in Norway big enough to eat Lee? Are there wolves? I’m on Team Wolves right now.
Which Nazgul will rise up to replace Lee? We don’t know.
Before they can depart, Kenny tells Rachel that he needs to “say goodbye” to Lee.
WHY? JUST LEAVE HIM THERE TO ROT.
“This is so stupid,” Rachel says. “I feel stupid. You’re still giving him attention! I’m so annoyed about this!”
Despite all the promos implying the men would come to blows, Kenny tells Lee that somewhere inside him is a decent man (nope, just an exotic bird) and leaves. But I’m pretty sure Kenny blew his chance with Rachel.
Rachel and Kenny have some one-on-one time. There are delicious chocolatey snacks on the table, snacks that they are not allowed to eat because the mics will pick up the noise.
They have a conversation about the fact that Rachel was disappointed that Kenny wanted to have the last word with Lee, but she’s still willing to take a chance on him. She gives Kenny the rose.
Kenny Facetimes his daughter. Every time he talks to her, I melt. He’s so proud of his daughter and so obviously devoted to her. He cries every time they talk because he misses her.
Then it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Kenny and Will both got date roses which means that they’re immune from elimination.
Peter is wearing a paisley tie and plaid scarf which is not a great look IMHO. He does get a rose, however.
Chris steps out of the shadows to tell us that we’re down to the final rose. THANKS CHRIS!
Josiah and Anthony are eliminated. Josiah spends some time telling us why that was the wrong choice, but I’m drinking, not listening.
The next day everyone goes to Denmark!
The first one-on-one date is with Eric. The two of them explore Copenhagen together. They seem to have some genuine chemistry.
“How many kids do you want to have?” Eric asks.
“Four,” she answers.
“Oh, wow,” Eric says.
“Is that a lot?” she asks.
“No, I mean, I want ten, so…”
They bust up laughing.
It’s super cute.
They spend some time in a hot tub too. Because hot-tubbing is basically a requirement on these shows. Chris Harrison can summon a hot tub at will with his dark magic.
During dinner Eric tells Rachel that he’s never been in love. He also tells her that his mom never gave him love which is why he’s run from relationships in the past.
“I think for me, love is what I’m missing,” Eric says.
Rachel gives him a rose.
The next day a bunch of dudes go on a group date where they dress up like Vikings. They row a Viking ship and my fibro starts flaring in sympathy. My rhomboids would not enjoy that.
They row to an island where they will learn to fight like Vikings. At the end of the day, the two best contestants will fight for a rose.
YES! Chris Harrison screams. FINALLY WE FIGHT TO THE DEATH.
They play a game that, I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP, is called “Greased Stick.”
The woman holds a greased stick and if the dude can pull it out of her hand, he gets to marry her.
I thought the point was to put the “Greased Stick” in her hand, but what do I know.
Dean says, “I think I would have made a great Viking. But, you know, a Viking that doesn’t necessarily fight very much.”
Good story, Dean.
I bet I’d make a great neurosurgeon. But, like, one that doesn’t do surgery or practice medicine or know anything about the human body in general.
The instructors decide that Kenny and Adam will fight for the rose. They have swords and shields.
Both Kenny AND Adam wind up with bloody eyebrows during the fight. They manage to smack their shields together at the same moment, clocking themselves in the face. They get patched up.
Oh, hey, remember when ABC showed us clips of Kenny bleeding and made it seem like he and Lee got into a fight (thereby adding credence to Lee’s bullshit racist “aggressive” comments?).
So you know what, ABC? FUCK YOU.
FUCK YOU FOR PERPETUATING LEE’S RACIST BULLSHIT.
During the cocktail hour, Rachel and Peter spend some time together. My theory here is that Rachel has already picked Peter. The chemistry between the two is super intense. Like eye-fucking. Like Rachel looks like she wants to climb him like a tree. Whenever they are alone together they look like naughty teenagers, giggling and looking for a place to dash off to in order to fool around. I’m convinced Rachel would send everyone else home already to be with Peter.
TEAM PETER FOREVER
Of all the dudes, Kenny feels the most vulnerable. He tells Rachel he’s really struggling, especially being apart from his daughter.
They have a really candid conversation. Rachel suggests that Kenny go home, and Kenny agrees with her. It’s an amicable departure and both of them are super mature about it. When Kenny calls his daughter from the car she says, “I’m so proud of you! You got to go to two amazing places! You got to do an awesome thing. I’m proud of you that you made it that far!”
The group date rose goes to Peter.
The next day (I guess?) Rachel and Will go on a one-on-one date to Sweden. Rachel comments that Will always seems shy and distant with her. She wonders what’s holding him back. Will tells Rachel physical intimacy is really important to him, which is weird because he doesn’t even hold her hand.
Rachel comments on the lack of passion between them and declines to give him a rose, thereby sending him home.
Cut back to the hotel. Adam’s eye is looking a little crusty. Get some antibiotics dude. Neosporin at least.
At this point I’m pretty tipsy. I’m missing Mr. Tweeters. I have a cat on my lap and I have to pee real bad.
So I’m relieved when we get to another Dreaded Rose Ceremony.
Chris Harrison is waiting for Rachel. “You seem solemn tonight,” he observes. Then he plays her a song on his pipe organ that’s hidden in the basement.
We are down to seven dudes and only four roses remain.
CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC.
Rachel talks about Denmark and Hamlet and quotes the play and at least three dudes fall asleep immediately.
Suddenly she breaks down in tears and walks out of the room.
She returns after a few minutes, pulling herself together.
Eric and Peter already have a rose. Rachel gives roses to Matt, Dean, Bryan (who I forgot existed again), and Adam.
Hopefully now that he has a rose, Adam can go to a walk in clinic to get that eye looked at.
Alex goes home. I forgot Alex existed too, if I’m being honest.
The dudebros blur, you know? The rum probably contributes to that.
And that’s it for this week, thank god. I’m going to leave some ibuprofen and bottle of water on the nightstand.
There’s no episode next week so I have a chance to rest my liver.
Are you still watching? What do you think of the remaining six men?